I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
