I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
