I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
