I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
