does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
