dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
