I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
