how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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