all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
