He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
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Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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