how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
