i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
