this beer tastes like vomit already
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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