I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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