officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
