I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
