You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
