I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
