There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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