"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
