You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
