The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm getting married
To pizza
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
