apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
