i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
