He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
