Already got asked if we're dating
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
