May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I AM VODKA MAN
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
