Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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