anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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