took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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