Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I FOUND THE LEGS
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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