Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
