I'm jealous of your bromance
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
