ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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