we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
