Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
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What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
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Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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