After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
