I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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