When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
