i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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