Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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