i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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