listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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