I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
