last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
