Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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