hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
