Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
