a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
