Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
