fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
how can u be prego again
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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