I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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