Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
