Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
