I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
