drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
