i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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