im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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