I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
pop tarts are not kleenex
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
