im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
